Yes, he died today. I still can't believe he had the nerve to die. I feel so abandoned, betrayed, and slightly ill. Selfish thoughts I can't seem to control.
It's odd the little things you obsess over while you know someone you love lies dying. For me it was his hair. His beautiful long hair. During the attempts to save his life his hair got tangled and matted. The nurses had it in a messy bun on the back of his head.
I used my friends pocket knife to cut out the rubber band they used to try and control his hair. Then I started combing the tangled mess. I wanted his hair combed and neat before he actually died. Sort of an odd race between me and death. When I was finished with it his hair was once again long, silky, and free just like the man.
Earlier in the afternoon as they removed all the medical equipment he was attached to I thought he would go right then, but he didn't. He seemed to very peaceably sleep for about two hours. He was quietly snoring then he just stopped. It was like watching someone flick off a light switch. One second he was there, then he was just gone.
He was too young. He died to quickly, and with so much to live for. It feels unreal to me still, well, except for the pain. I keep wanting to call him, and ask what he thinks about the situation. Then it hits me that I don't have that option any longer. Then I hurt some more.
He's been such a big part of my life. I shared all my burdens and joys with him. He always helped shoulder my troubles he usually took on more then just half. I keep asking myself how am I to cope now? I hate feeling weak, and I feel weak without him.
James Edwin Fincher 9/47 - 4/08
